You’re always wrong. You walk on egg shells. Your goal is to make them happy. You try a million different things. Money, presents, expensive vacations, houses, cars, gifts, letters, even generosity, compassion, patience.
You want to please, but there’s no pleasing, there’s only a constant blaming, demeaning, bullying, fault finding of everything you do. If this describes you, the chances are good you’re trapped in a relationship with a narcissist, and until you escape, your life will be a living hell.
But how do you escape? And what price will you pay? There’s no good answer here. You will pay a heavy price. A narcissist will make you pay. Your life is in jeopardy, sometimes for years after you escape, because a narcissist will never forget and never change.
Understanding a narcissist will never change is one of your keys to escape. No matter what you do, what you try, how much you grow or express love, or how much therapy you try, a narcissist will never, ever change. There is no therapy that will work. There is no golden door to step through. There is no cure for a narcissistic character. They are who they are. The sooner you accept this heartbreaking truth, the sooner you take steps to protect yourself.
If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, flee. That’s my best advice. Save yourself. Leaving a narcissist is betrayal. That’s the way they’ll see it. It’s like your depriving them of oxygen. You’re their drug. Put up walls. Don’t answer letters. Don’t have lovely open-hearted chats over tea. Don’t meet to ‘sort things out.’
They will lash out at your betrayal. They will attack you in every way possible. They will call your boss and undermine your ability to make a living. They will destroy your family relationships. They will destroy your friendships. They will try to break you, and never stop, even after your crawling in the gutter. If that sounds dramatic to you, count yourself lucky. You never had the misfortune to find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist.
If a narcissist ever senses you are happy, you have a good job, you’ve met a new lover, you’ve written a new song, they will do whatever they can to make you miserable. Your happiness is cancer to them.
So how do you escape? It’s not a matter of just walking out the door. It takes planning and commitment to personal growth. You’ll need to love yourself, respect yourself. And after living with a narcissistic partner, dealing with a narcissistic boss, friend, or brother, it will take everything you have to heal the layers of wounds. You’ve been flayed. You’ve been pierced with a million darts.
Don’t expect much understanding from the world. People will judge you. Not to do you harm, but from ignorance. People do not understand conditions like narcissism. It’s not a real thing for most people. They will think you’re exaggerating.
If possible, nuke your life and start again somewhere else. I know that’s not always feasible, but action as drastic as that might be the only way to truly escape the lethal embrace of a narcissistic partner. Quit your job. Delete your friend from your contacts. Block them on social media. Cut the narcissist out of your life. No explanation.
We’re talking about your survival here. Life is short. You are good. You are worth it. You have value. Your life is important. You have a good heart. You deserve love. When you truly believe these things about yourself you escape the narcissist completely. Lose the guilt, never doubt yourself and live the life you deserve to live.